Letting Friends go is Hard Work!

Best friendships are valuable. They help us process stress, and laugh so hard we can’t stand up straight, they know us well enough to call us on our BS with a smile that recognizes our basic goodness. Sometimes, they may fade, but always, the embers glow hot. We can ebb and flow, but they’re there for us, with us, and we’re there for them, with them, through the years. We grow old together.

And yet—sometimes, we make like Thelma and Louise and drive off a cliff of The Best Friendship Flat Planet…a planet that we could have sworn was round.

What should I do?

So, I write this one not to share wisdom. I don’t have any, other than feeling that it was time to let go and feeling my sad heart since, and feeling that perhaps it is on me, though I have let go, to reach out once more.

I’ve been somewhat sad over this one for many months, months totaling two years, and the more I feel it out, perhaps much longer. We didn’t hang out on weekends or for dinners. The friendship may have been based, in the early days, on some notion that I was cool. But while I may be fun or happening, I’m vulnerable when you get to know me, and I’m not pretentious. I look to friends for counsel, and one must bear all to receive truly helpful counsel. And so, I do.

But, over time, baring all may equate to “not being seen as cool.” And then, from there, our “best friendship” found another crutch: doing an activity together.

And when that activity stopped a few years back, so did our friendship. Now, I know this friend was busy, overwhelmingly so, yet other friends see this friend, and I don’t. I reached out 1000 times with little things about this, or that, sports, or news, or thoughts…the usual friendship stuff. And I generally received a rather short, abbreviated, guttural response…if any. It becomes a running joke. Even if I sent a paltry two words, I’d get one back. If I sent one word, I’d get a shorter word back.

And so, at some point, I forced myself to snap that twig, make a break, and let go. Otherwise, I’d become like a cloying lover, not offering space.

And if you let go into space, and the bird loves you, it returns, right?

Nothing came back.

I’ve tried to let go of my friend, and I have, and that’s been tough work, so it feels hard to reach out one last time before letting go fully. And I really don’t want to let go fully. But I realize that it may have been rather hollow or based on things that weren’t actually friendship, for many years.

Oof. This one hit hard:

“If you’ve invested in your friendship and the other person [begins to] continuously lets you down, it may be time to accept that fact and move on. You will grieve and heal as we do in time.

And may just realize that the bond you thought you had, wasn’t a bond at all. It may have been for you, but not for them.”

It hits hard because it hits true.

Successful People vs Failure

What is the difference between successful people and failures ones? What is success, and what is failure?

Successful people achieve their goals no matter how small, or big the goals are. If you want a burger for lunch today and you get to eat a burger, this is a successful goal. Also, if you aim to enrich your bank account with a million dollars, you succeed.

But when you put effort into achieving your goal and cannot make it, that is called failure. There is a given count of the steps, but according to the results, which makes you a failure.

Every single human is born with chances given and capable enough to build and reach their goals, but why can some people make it and others not?

The answer is simple; it’s all about the 3 P’s Plan, Progress, and Persistence. Let’s go Deeper. Everyone wants to reach out to the giant pillar of success or achievement. But thinking about the final destination and not acting upon it won’t ever help to reach there. It must be a vision, not a specific GOAL.

So, what takes us to big, massive success? Indeed, to reach somewhere, we’ll have to start from somewhere, and we need the first P – Planning. Failures come from a lack of Planning.

Progress is the second and most important of all 3 Ps. Progress may not show results on the first day or sooner, but continuous work one day will yield.

Lack of Plan, Progress, and Persistence are the building blocks for massive success. Successful people get rewarded in public because they consistently practice the 3 Ps. This is a process, a journey, a series of steps. It starts with the first step and does not commit where it will end. We have to move on every day, sticking to the plan.

Rome was not built in a day; Mutual funds do not return in a year; marriage is not a game or fun for a few years; relations are not for enjoyment; trees were planted years before they started giving shadows and fruits... This is Persistence.

We must keep hope intact. We never know which step could be the final, making us touch the wanted success.

What could be the most significant loss of not being persistent? To keep it simple as always – Imagine you spend a reasonable amount of time and money on Planning. Your plan is brilliant, and you start progressing... You work hard for 99 days, but then you feel hopeless and give up.

Unfortunately, you did not know that one more day could have led you to the GOAL. Just by one day, you lost everything. You could have achieved what you wished for if you had persistence for ONE MORE DAY.

No shortcut, No overnight miracle. Start... Step by step...Persist...and get what you want.

Thinking of How to Get Laid

“Bad boys” often attract women who admire their courage to be different. Years ago, I considered myself a “bad boy”— I used to play in a band, do far too many drugs, and sleep around with lots of women until I decided to go to therapy and give my life meaning.

During the therapy, I was told I tend to date women who boost my self-esteem. Although I experienced that period, women seemed less drawn toward me.

Imagine the feelings of a dude who defined himself by the women he was dating when his therapist said, “Not only do I want you to stay away from drugs and drinking; I want you not to date anyone for at least a year.”

I thought he was crazy, but I played along. Even worse, after one year of voluntary loneliness, he allowed me to get back into the dating world—guess what happened…nobody wanted to date me.

I was on the brink of going down the rabbit hole of questioning my choices. Why not go back to my old lifestyle that seemed to be more enjoyable?

I found myself seeing patterns in the dating world that turned me off. I wasn’t even sure why any woman would choose to date me, as all my poor pick-up lines didn’t work anymore—no invites for drinks, no concerts with my band…oh, and of course, I was financially not in the best position at that time.

After two years of not having any sexual relationships with anyone, I entered a relationship that lasted for almost three years. It didn’t work out, but at least I wrote one of my most-read articles and learned something.

Yes, I had far fewer flings and sexual partners during the last decade trying to be a mindful man than I had before as a “bad boy.” No doubt about that—but all of these encounters had been far more meaningful (and painful at times).

Once I stopped measuring my progress by how often I get laid, I learned five Pearls of Wisdom;

1. If we are “pick-up artists,” we tend to design our life based on what would attract women, not the only objectifying potential partners. It also neglects who we are, and guess what; it attracts folks who do the same thing.

2. If we use personal privileges (wealth, success, and fame) to attract someone, we might end up dating superficial women who will cause us much pain.

3. Sleeping around is a form of using each to fulfill primal desires. It will leave us behind feeling unsatisfied on an emotional level. It definitely needs to be a meaningful connection.

4. If we are “lady-killers,” mindful women will avoid talking to us. Most women are smart enough to see through the charade of a womanizer. Just because they play along at times and maybe even sleep with us doesn’t mean they are unaware of the “man-child” behavior.

5. We discover a new world of human interaction by engaging in meaningful friendships with women without wanting to sleep with them. In this case, the chances of a woman telling a friend ‘She knows a cool dude who might be a match’ are rising.

I could not apply this wisdom along the way because I had to learn them the hard way. But, looking back, it all starts making sense to me.

Dating fewer women leaves more space for meaningful connections.

If someone falls in love with me for who I am, it is much more enjoyable than playing a role, which is exhausting. The time used on meaningless sexual relationships, why not use it for personal growth? Instead of having an awkward Tinder date, why not read a book or listen to good music?

As someone trying to avoid episodes of depression through random dating, I usually ended up overcommitting to partners who were uninterested in me and saw me avoid their struggles, which was more than painful on the receiving end. But then, when I was almost giving up on being a nice guy, I met the love of my life—without any dating.

She met my dog before she even knew me. A friend of hers was watching Snoopy Girl while I was on vacation. On my first day back, I met her at a local bar where I was having dinner. I had no intention of dating her, and she was not thinking about falling in love with me.

We started taking our dogs for walks together and got to know each other as friends. We even promised each other that we would never have sex and have a platonic friendship.

Long story short, after a month of hanging out daily, we recognize that we have feelings for each other. Today, we are engaged, and I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman I love more than anything.

So, stop swiping on dating apps, live a mindful life, and the rest will come.

By Robert Busch