Love is what makes us creative, but can also nail us to pain. If we pay attention we will see that Failed Romance can show our blind spot, our well-hidden trauma. Right there, instead of getting into a new Romantic commitment, we should stop and think what made the relationship collapsed?
In the previous article we took a quiz about addiction, now we are ready to enrich our knowledge of what the addiction is and how can we face it.
Before we move to know more about Love Addiction let's write few words about the subject of our next article which we will analyze the Sexual Addiction.
If we correlate Love with Sexual Addiction the difference is that love is a natural feeling that we all want, seek and we all have a hard time not thinking about it while Sexual Addiction is a sexual attraction with no attachment feelings.
Humans need attachments to survive, is our nature to instinctively seek connection, especially romantic connection, but folks why not listening to the old expression that says, “Excellent by all measures”.
Love addiction, however, is a compulsive, chronic craving and/or pursuit of Romantic Love in an effort to get our sense of security and worth from another person.
During infatuation, we believe we are secure only to be disappointed and empty again once the intensity fades. Even though the negative consequences can be severe, yet the love addict continues to hang on to the belief that True Love will fix everything. Funny isn’t it!
Love is all we want, but why sometimes doesn’t arrive along with the Peace of Mind?
According to Rachel Uchitel the causes of Love Addiction are fairly easy to identify:
1. Inadequate or inconsistent nurturing,
2. Low of self-esteem,
3. The absence of positive role models for committed relationships,
4. The indoctrination with cultural images of perfect romantic love and happily ever after endings.
Unfortunately, knowing why you are still pursuing the same pattern of Romantic Relationship isn't much help. Having the information or insight cannot change the unconscious drive to attach at all costs. So, most of the time after the end of a bad relationship, people use to say:
"I had a wrong guy! I'm going to find someone who is nothing like this one."
"I am not interested in dating. I just want to have someone to spend time with now and then."
"I'm going to go slowly next time around."
Here are a few truths about Love Addiction and what is most likely to happen if you have not processed and grown from your painful experiences.
If you are looking for the opposite of the last one, just remember that the opposite of the Sick is Sick. When we rebound, we go to the other extreme ending up in the same place.
Your new "friend" will be your next lover and it will turn out the same way the last one did.
Just saying you will go slowly doesn't work when hormones kick in and infatuation starts making the decisions. Infatuated love is blind.
Truth is: Wherever you go, there you are because the problem is your pattern, not Who You Are With.
Break the Love Addiction Pattern following the initial steps recommended by Rachel Uchitel:
1. STOP what you are doing and stand back to observe your own behavior.
2. Take an inventory of your dysfunctional pattern in your current and past relationships.
3. Write it down. Be honest without blaming anyone else for your choices.
4. Unless you are in a committed relationship, do not engage in any potentially romantic interactions for at least 6 months. That includes no texting, emailing, online dating sites, hookups, introductions by well-intentioned friends and family.
5. As you do your inventories look for the common themes in your relationships. Does there appear to be a similarity between your childhood experiences and your choices as an adult? If so, it is no accident!
6. If you are not in a relationship right now, consider getting professional help with your self-evaluation before you begin your search again. If you are in a relationship, unless you are being abused, don't make any decisions or demands until you look at yourself honestly.
7. Ask yourself, how life would be if you took responsibility for your own happiness, successes, and failures and how life will be if you loved yourself the way you want to be loved.
8. Make a plan and follow through on a daily basis. You will be lonely, sad and frustrated at times, but in the end, you will have the most valuable gift of all. You will know and love yourself. Only then can you choose well and have the real, albeit imperfect relationship you deserve.
9. Accept yourself and the one you love AS IS just for the sake of love that can last a lifetime.
Love may not come with a big red bow, but it is one thing you can be sure everyone wants.
Keep Loving, Dreaming, and Living the Happily Ever After.
To be continued on March 5th, 2018 to analyze the Sexual Addiction.