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“Bad boys” often attract women who admire their courage to be different. Years ago, I considered myself a “bad boy”— I used to play in a band, do far too many drugs, and sleep around with lots of women until I decided to go to therapy and give my life meaning.
During the therapy, I was told I tend to date women who boost my self-esteem. Although I experienced that period, women seemed less drawn toward me.
Imagine the feelings of a dude who defined himself by the women he was dating when his therapist said, “Not only do I want you to stay away from drugs and drinking; I want you not to date anyone for at least a year.”
I thought he was crazy, but I played along. Even worse, after one year of voluntary loneliness, he allowed me to get back into the dating world—guess what happened…nobody wanted to date me.
I was on the brink of going down the rabbit hole of questioning my choices. Why not go back to my old lifestyle that seemed to be more enjoyable?
I found myself seeing patterns in the dating world that turned me off. I wasn’t even sure why any woman would choose to date me, as all my poor pick-up lines didn’t work anymore—no invites for drinks, no concerts with my band…oh, and of course, I was financially not in the best position at that time.
After two years of not having any sexual relationships with anyone, I entered a relationship that lasted for almost three years. It didn’t work out, but at least I wrote one of my most-read articles and learned something.
Yes, I had far fewer flings and sexual partners during the last decade trying to be a mindful man than I had before as a “bad boy.” No doubt about that—but all of these encounters had been far more meaningful (and painful at times).
Once I stopped measuring my progress by how often I get laid, I learned five Pearls of Wisdom;
1. If we are “pick-up artists,” we tend to design our life based on what would attract women, not the only objectifying potential partners. It also neglects who we are, and guess what; it attracts folks who do the same thing.
2. If we use personal privileges (wealth, success, and fame) to attract someone, we might end up dating superficial women who will cause us much pain.
3. Sleeping around is a form of using each to fulfill primal desires. It will leave us behind feeling unsatisfied on an emotional level. It definitely needs to be a meaningful connection.
4. If we are “lady-killers,” mindful women will avoid talking to us. Most women are smart enough to see through the charade of a womanizer. Just because they play along at times and maybe even sleep with us doesn’t mean they are unaware of the “man-child” behavior.
5. We discover a new world of human interaction by engaging in meaningful friendships with women without wanting to sleep with them. In this case, the chances of a woman telling a friend ‘She knows a cool dude who might be a match’ are rising.
I could not apply this wisdom along the way because I had to learn them the hard way. But, looking back, it all starts making sense to me.
Dating fewer women leaves more space for meaningful connections.
If someone falls in love with me for who I am, it is much more enjoyable than playing a role, which is exhausting. The time used on meaningless sexual relationships, why not use it for personal growth? Instead of having an awkward Tinder date, why not read a book or listen to good music?
As someone trying to avoid episodes of depression through random dating, I usually ended up overcommitting to partners who were uninterested in me and saw me avoid their struggles, which was more than painful on the receiving end. But then, when I was almost giving up on being a nice guy, I met the love of my life—without any dating.
She met my dog before she even knew me. A friend of hers was watching Snoopy Girl while I was on vacation. On my first day back, I met her at a local bar where I was having dinner. I had no intention of dating her, and she was not thinking about falling in love with me.
We started taking our dogs for walks together and got to know each other as friends. We even promised each other that we would never have sex and have a platonic friendship.
Long story short, after a month of hanging out daily, we recognize that we have feelings for each other. Today, we are engaged, and I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman I love more than anything.
So, stop swiping on dating apps, live a mindful life, and the rest will come.
By Robert Busch
